The Intimacy Observation
by SchrodingersGirls
Summary: What happens when Lenny, Shamy, and Howardette are behind closed doors, as told from an unusual point of view.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** As some of you may have guessed by this author's name, this story comes from the collaboration of bigbangenthusiast and platypus_quacks_too, with the help of stellina2a. We are proud to present you this after many, many months of work (insert sloth emoji here), and we hope you will enjoy reading this funny tale as much as we had fun writing it.

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It's the second Thursday of the month, so The Blonde is here again. As usual, she waited until The Arrogant Genius left. I've noticed this pattern for months now. He leaves at precisely 6 o'clock and returns at 9:45. His schedules often infuriate The Bespectacled Homunculus, but this one the latter happily accepts.

The Blonde and The Homunculus exchange greetings then share dinner. Sometimes they snuggle on the couch watching the latest episode of a reality show or science fiction movie. After the cuddling, they move on to more intimate activities. Great Neptune! Tonight, they are bypassing the small screen viewing and going straight for the intimacy. Someone hand me a bucket of popcorn. This is going to be much better than any reality program.

He cups her face as he tells her she's the most beautiful woman in the world and wonders how he ever got so lucky. Their mouths are moving hungrily over each other, and I can't help but zoom in a little for a better view. The Blonde moans when he prods her lips with his tongue, and she scoots closer to him. Hoisting her onto his lap, he doesn't break the lip lock. Her fingers thread through his curly locks, pressing their lips closer together in the process, and this time he's the one moaning.

His hands slide from her back to the front of her shirt. He breaks the kiss momentarily to mutter about how many buttons there are. To my eyes, it didn't appear to take him long to peel the fabric from her skin, but I suppose in his position, it might have felt like it took a lifetime.

After shrugging out of the constraints, her chest is bare, save for a silky red bra. Her radiant hair cascades down her shoulders like a golden waterfall. If she had a tail, I would easily mistake her for a mermaid. He uses one hand to fondle her mound, while the other entwines in those golden locks.

What's that I hear? There appears to be some commotion out in the hall. I know The Arrogant Genius is not due home, and as much as I'd like to continue watching the action in front of me, I need to be prepared should an intruder arrive. After all, I've been protecting this home since 2012.

I tune out the moans and pants and turn ever so slightly to face the door. Normally I wouldn't consider moving even the tiniest bit while anyone is here, but I feel safe in knowing they are too focused on each other to notice. I'll just have to ensure I return to facing at the precise angle, or The Arrogant Genius will know something is amiss.

Voices are getting louder, voices that seem slightly familiar. I don't believe it's The Squeaky-Voiced Smurfette or The Astronaut. Could it be The Impostor? The noises in here are getting louder, so I really need to concentrate. No, it's not him either. There's no foreign accent. But now the image of him trying to impersonate me in that mockery of a wig haunts me again. He looked so ridiculous. I almost laughed out loud when I saw him.

The sound of footsteps and talking sound further away now. It was probably just some tenants arguing. I was worried over nothing. Time to get back into position. By the beard of Poseidon! The Homunculus and The Blonde have removed all their clothes, and she is straddling him cowboy style.

From my vantage point, I can only see the back of her now, but oh what a sight. His hands cup her firm buttocks, but I can still see a smidgen of that milky skin. And her legs! Those long, toned legs are going to be in my dreams tonight.

Their hands and mouths are all over each other now. He takes a moment to shift below her to get into a better position, his head resting on The Arrogant Genius' beloved spot. The Homunculus will get another strike tonight, but I'm sure it will be worth it… Great Atlantis! She's riding him with her inner cowgirl, using that silky, red bra as a lasso. A look of pure lust spreads across his face as southern slang flows from her lips, and his hands blindly reach for her hips. From this angle I can't see her face, but I imagine it's contorted in the sweet agony of lovemaking.

It's 9:35 now, and The Homunculus is clinging to his mate, begging her to spend the night, but she prefers to leave before The Arrogant Genius questions her about their evening. She checks the couch cushion for stray hairs or any other incriminating evidence. She gives him one last kiss before shutting the door quietly behind her. He sighs then double checks "the spot", muttering about how the butt print doesn't look quite right but hoping his roommate is too tired to notice.

I hear the key in the lock. He's right on time. The two share a few words before The Homunculus yawns and heads for bed. Now comes the part of these nights I dread most. As the Arrogant Genius lowers me from the shelf, I brace myself for what's to come.

"Well, Aquaman, let's find out what Roommate Agreement rules Leonard violated this time."

He extracts the camera then sets me back in place before connecting it to his laptop and saving the file. Looking over his shoulder at his screen, I watch the evening's scene unfold again. The images are a blur as he fast forwards to the moment he walks out the door. Now his shoulders are hunched, and I can tell he's studying the footage closely. He speeds it up slightly until The Homunculus comes into view. Every so often he emits a grunt of disapproval, and less frequently one of approval. The Blonde appears on the screen, and I can almost picture his eyes narrowing when the couple begins kissing. He's not a fan of public displays of affection, although I have witnessed him making out with The Brunette on a couple of occasions. I suppose he wouldn't consider that to be a PDA, as they always wait until they're alone. Funny how he forgets I'm here recording everything when he's the one on camera.

We're getting close to the highlight of the night now. His disapproving grunts are becoming more frequent. The images are shifting on the screen, and now the camera is facing the door. He rewinds the feed and mutters, "How on earth did the angle change." He rewinds and studies those couple of minutes several times then twists his head around and stares right at me. Great Guppies! If he ever finds out… He turns back to the screen, and I release a silent sigh of relief.

Now we're back to the part when I was situated in the correct angle. Before long The Blonde is twirling her bra like a lasso, and I can almost feel him cringe when she shouts "Yeehaw!" Just you wait, my friend. It's about to get even more crazy. Like déjà vu I can tell when every moan, every pant, every thrust will happen before it does.

"Oh, Penny!" The Homunculus shouts, as he writhes beneath her.

The Genius quickly slams the laptop shut. "Oh, dear Lord!"

Jumping from his spot, he repeats the phrase over and over. He backs away, and I see the look of horror on his face while he stares at the cushion. As expected, he gathers a fresh pair of yellow rubber gloves and a bottle of cleaning spray and kneeling before the affected area scrubs it with great speed and force. Taking a moment to wipe his brow, he assesses the cushion, eyes narrowed, lips in a tight line, then repeats the scrubbing motions.

Fifteen minutes later, he sits back on his heels and pants from the exertion.

"Sheldon, why are you still awake?"

His head turns slowly to his roommate. "Don't you _ever_ use my spot for your coital activities again."

"How do you know Penny and I even did anything?"

"None of your business!"

Before storming off, he sends me a cursory glance. I feel somewhat to blame, but if it wasn't me, Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas, it could have been The Flash or Spock or any of the other figures gracing these bookshelves to have a camera embedded in them. I have to keep from chuckling out loud when I remember about the wad of cash stuffed in Green Lantern's behind. Life could be worse.


	2. Chapter 2

Entering the apartment, Dr. Princess leaned against the door and stayed there for a while, breathing hard, as if she had just run for her life. However, her eyes were bright, and a grin of pure bliss enlightened her face.

When she walked into the apartment, it got even weirder. She threw her bag in a corner and did a couple of whirls in the middle of the room as if she was dancing to imaginary music. Finally, she stopped and rested against the sofa and heaved a sigh, "It's happening. It's happening for real," she proclaimed.

What? At that moment, I didn't have a clue about the gigantic step she and her Sweet Baboo were about to take. Dr. Princess left for her bedroom, and I started thinking hard on what she could be referring to.

I like Sweet Baboo, even if there have been times I just wanted to sneak into his home and bite his face off. He loves my friend, I know this; still, I saw Dr. Princess going through so much because of him.

Dr. Princess is such a precious human. Have you told why I call her that? Well, obviously she is a doctor, a neurobiologist to be precise. She is also a princess, a real one, with a tiara and everything! She cherishes her tiara. She polishes and takes care of it, and when she still lived alone,she would randomly wear it, even in her night attire, and then spend the night like that - a warm flannel robe, a good book, a glass of wine and her precious tiara.

I am sorry; that's beside the point. As I said, I like Sweet Baboo. Sure, he's the craziest person I have ever known, but I can't think of a better match for Dr. Princess. She has a particular personality herself, and it's made it difficult for her to meet people. Think what you want about him, I just know that ever since she met him, not only is she happier, but she even got to meet a bunch of new friends. I am grateful for her, and partially for myself as well: the days when the only visitors were spiteful monkeys with an addiction problem are over.

I remember how surprised I was when she first invited him here and ended up kissing him. It was also the day I first saw her _really_ drunk, which made that night more interesting. He did not have the reaction one would expect though. He was confused, kind of blindsided, and possibly fascinated by her kiss (and the subsequent, not related, vomiting and passing out). He could have taken advantage of it; instead, he took care of her and respected her like a gentleman.

It took a little more time before they realized they were meant to be a couple. I witnessed several of their date nights. I heard Dr. Princess recalling to some of her new friends how their Valentine's day became incredible after he kissed her passionately in the middle of an argument. I even saw him spanking her once. That was weird.

If you wonder why I ever thought to hurt him, it's because it hadn't been all good until then. My poor Dr. Princess went through so much pain because of him. I remember this short, heavy call when she told him she needed a break, and then the poor thing sighed deeply and left for the bedroom. I heard the sobs.

It was even worse the day after. She returned pale, red-eyed, deeply upset. Not even able to go to the other room, she leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor, crying helplessly right in front of me. I would have given anything to say or do something to comfort her. I couldn't.

Those were terrible weeks for us. We were all so affectionate to Dr. Princess, and witnessing her being so miserable without being able to do anything made us feel so powerless. Every night, she cried. Oh, she tried so hard not to do it. Many days she even prevented it... as long the lights were on. You only needed to approach the bedroom door to hear her quiet sobs in the pillow.

This went on until a week before that fateful night. Dr. Princess brought home someone else. Funny guy, I have to admit. The English Giant, we call him. The reason is straightforward: he has an adorable British accent, and he is _tall_. Sweet Baboo is also tall, but that guy… he was monumental.

I admit it surprised me that she would want to deal with another man. She clearly still suffered for Sweet Baboo. And how long had they been dating? They talked like they already met other times. I caught glimpses of Dr. Princess smiling from time to time. Those smiles were not even close to the ones she used to gave that idiot Sweet Baboo, but at least she wasn't crying. We all have to give credit to the English Giant for this.

Even more surprising was what happened later that night when the Giant tried to kiss her. As if summoned by magic, Sweet Baboo's signature triple knocking at the door echoed in the living room exactly at that moment.

He was there to claim her back! It was incredible. He mentioned a song, heartworms and poodles, and finally declared his love to her, and so did Dr. Princess. Oh, and their kiss then! I internally screamed. I had never seen them kissing that way… with such hunger, with such love.

Not to mention… that was the longest kiss. Ever. They had long make out sessions before, but that kiss - a league of its own. I sincerely thought they just didn't need air anymore. Even when they moved to the couch, they did not detach. Poor kids, how much they must have missed each other? They used to talk a lot and touch so little. They spent that whole night hardly speaking and never breaking their embrace. Eventually, they fell asleep together in the living room, still holding each other.

I am getting way off topic again here. Where was I? Oh right. Dr. Princess entered the apartment electrified about something, a state of such agitation I had never seen in her before. When she finally came back from the bedroom, it even got weirder. She was dressed up for date night (that's when she graces us all by leaving behind the grandma clothes and slips into some cute floral dress), still she kept behaving too oddly to be only that. Not to mention the lounge music and the candles that at a certain point popped up all around the living room. Sweet Baboo never seemed to be the sort of human who likes candles.

On top of everything, the more time passed that he was closer to arriving, the more Dr. Princess was nervous. It was clear how it wasn't just trepidation to meet her boyfriend. She kept forgetting what she had just done; her hands were shaking. She muttered something to herself occasionally. She beamed, and at the same time she seemed on the verge of crying.

"Birthday girl! Birthday girl! Birthday girl!"

She startled at Sweet Baboo's unique knocking. Then, instead of going to open the door for him, she laid down on the couch. Well, lying doesn't do justice to it. She definitely put herself on display. "Come in!" She said in an adorable voice. Oh Princess, do not ever change.

Well, too bad she forgot the door was deadbolted. Sweet Baboo peeked from the tight opening as she quickly went to let him in. He had flowers! He never bought her flowers. He once gave her a mushroom log, but actual members of the plant kingdom? Not even in our wildest dreams.

Once inside, he talked about chasing lost balloons and dinner plans with a gigantic loving smirk on his face. I am not sure how much she was paying attention to it. It wasn't easy from my position, but I spotted from the corner of my eye Dr. Princess arranging the flowers and then jolting slightly and smiling weirdly, fixing her hair, taking a deep breath.

They sat together on the couch. Dr. Princess was eager to open her birthday presents, and some nonsense went on about the way they pronounce 'give it'.

And then she said it.

"I know your present is… for us, to be intimate tonight."

I can't explain how I didn't fall off my shelf. How the creatures of the whole room didn't fall out of their places. That was pretty shocking news. They were about to mate! Honestly, I wouldn't have believed someone telling me this if I hadn't heard it myself.

They were two naïve virgins at the time. Of course she was so nervous! He seemed more confident about it. He asked for her explicit consent. Well, say what you will about Sweet Baboo, but he proved to be an honorable man.

Oh, and he really was ready for this. When she inquired about the reason he had chosen that night for them to take that huge step, he declared that it was to show her how important she was for him. And I thought the Heartworm declaration was sweet!

Still, I wasn't yet sure they would go all the way with it. I can't stress enough how much of a big thing it was for them. Many of my doubts shaded a bit witnessing the way they made out then on that couch. Hoo! Just know that Dr. Princess somehow ended up sitting in his lap, his hands all over her and especially on her thighs and hips, almost up to her breast. He had been a bit handy the previous week during the big reunion making out session, but those bold moves were brand new. Too bad they decided to stop and move that to the bedroom before he could reach second base…

They were leaving when Sweet Baboo asked Dr. Princess to sign a nondisclosure agreement. She tried to resist the idea and then quickly gave up to make him happy. My sweet, sweet Baboo. You should have had us sign one as well... Not that I would have respected it anyway.

They left hand in hand, smiling softly to each other. Once the bedroom's door closed behind them, it suddenly felt real. Dr. Princess led her Sweet Baboo in her bedroom, and she didn't even need the Tardis door! Their love had been enough.

I stayed in my spot for a while. Who knew what was happening for real in that room. What was I supposed to do? We didn't have a policy for this kind of situation. Kissing? Fine. Make out sessions? Fine. Discipline inducing spanking? Again, awkward, but fine. Mating? Not in protocol yet.

Eventually, my curiosity won and I discreetly left the bookshelf to come closer to the bedroom. Hopefully, they were too busy to realize the door was opened slightly.

They weren't yet, but definitely both were way too focused to see anything else but each other. Dr. Princess had just come back from the bathroom, wearing the shortest nightgown I'd ever seen on her (it wasn't really that short, it's just we are really not used to see much above her ankles).

Sweet Baboo waited for her under the covers in his undergarments. I- I was sure he had never looked at her in such a way.

"Hi."

"Hello."

They greeted each other. His eyes kept roaming over her. I didn't think there was much lust in that. Mostly, he was admiring her. He was in awe.

"So, um… should I get under the covers with you?" She shyly asked. He agreed, and Dr. Princess reached him there. Oh, I had forgotten how cute she is without her glasses on. With the fancy hair she had for the night, I bet Sweet Baboo couldn't resist her. She was absolutely a cutie.

I wondered what she was thinking in that moment. There must have been a thousand different emotions in that bright, oily head of hers. I guess she was happy, excited, curious. She most surely was also nervous, scared, insecure. While he never took his eyes off her, she now seemed unable to look back at him. She was anxiously scrambling the bedsheets and holding them close to her, almost like she wanted to cover herself.

"Hello."

"Hi!"

They said again, together. I was mostly surprised by how resolute he seemed. I always thought he despised human touch, and although he had grown to love Dr. Princess's, mating with her was definitely a huge step. Earlier, he explained the reasons that had led him to his choice. I would have understood if he freaked out a little. Instead, he kept staring at her with those eyes full of pure, unconditional love.

"Why are you shaking?" Sweet Baboo asked, "Are you cold?"

"I'm just, um... really nervous."

Nervous was an understatement. My poor child was trembling like a leaf.

Sweet Baboo seemed surprised by her answer anyway, "Why?" he inquired, worried.

Finally, Dr. Princess turned to him, "Well… I've been waiting for this for so long… I've just... built it up in my head. I don't know what to expect," she admitted.

Sweet Baboo adjusted himself on the bed so he could face her better, and kindly shrugged, "Neither do I," he conceded, "But… we can find out together."

He had found the very best thing to say to reassure her. Oh boy, if that was right. In that moment it must have sounded even more powerful than any love declaration.

Her face softened, and she smiled softly. "Okay," she simply said. Then she rested her hand on his cheek, and they closed their eyes before exchanging a chaste, yet eager, kiss. I suddenly felt guilty for watching such an intimate moment, so I left.

Despite my best efforts to give them their privacy, they did whatever they could to capture my attention. Being primates like me and my sisters, I knew I needed to expect some kind of noise from that bedroom. But Dr. Princess… let's say I didn't imagine she could be that vocal. And they say monkeys are loud! In the time I remained in the living room, I heard her screaming his name at least three times. I also heard a few interrogatives 'Why?' from his side, but this is another story. No, really, what he was inquiring about? Mating isn't exactly rocket science.

It was a little after her third scream when I checked back to see what was going on. I mean, that was intense. Sweet Baboo either was superb at it, or she was dead now.

They seemed very much still alive. From my secret spot behind the half-closed door, I could see Sweet Baboo moving over Dr. Princess more and more frantically. He held her leg to thrust as deeply as he could; funny sounds came from both. That's how humans usually mate. Except I was sure on average it didn't last so long? I heard screams for _hours_ by then.

They exchanged complicity looks and loving smiles. He rested his forehead on hers and stole a kiss.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too."

Both closed their eyes. Dr. Princess hung on his shoulders while Sweet Baboo buried his head in her neck as she cried again that night. It didn't take long before it was his turn.

He caught his breath while he was still over her, and she placed small kisses on his face from time to time. Once he recovered, he rolled away to lie next to her. He must have missed her contact already as he immediately reached for her hand to hold it.

They remained that way for a while. Dr. Princess had a grin larger than her face. He looked relaxed and satisfied. I wondered if he understood how badly he had underestimated the joy of lovemaking.

It was time to return to my home in the library. What a view, from the top shelf! In the new home, I ended up in the bottom one. I don't complain though; I am glad they still found a little place for me, a silly statue of a monkey playing cymbals.


	3. Chapter 3

One night I heard Brother Elf speak about trains, which was not unusual itself, as he spoke of them quite often. When he first brought me to this land, I was unfamiliar with this futuristic mode of transportation, but I have since learned much more than I care to know. His companions interjected the occasional grunt of disapproval, but at least they were conversing amongst each other and could leave at will.

Oh, if only I could escape this dungeon, but alas, my trusty steed, Arod, did not accompany me to this forsaken place. A warrior should not be confined to one room, one land. Brother Elf is wise, calm, and thoughtful, but he is not much into action. But that night something seemed different.

The stars were veiled. Something stirred in the East. A sleepless malice. The eye of the enemy was moving… No, _he_ wasn't coming, but indeed someone was moving close toward our room.

I tightened the hold on my bow as two short figures snuck inside and quickly closed the door behind them. Intruders! What was worse, I soon recognized them as two of the guests Brother Elf and his friend the Hobbit often have over at their apartment. I had seen and heard enough about the Space Dwarf to know the reason he led his female companion in there was not good.

"Are you sure of this?" she whispered.

Space Dwarf kissed her and nodded. "Sheldon will probably continue to discuss those damn railroad schedules for the rest of the night. We have plenty of time to have some fun…"

Moonlight lit their silhouettes melting in a passionate embrace. Lady Dwarf pushed them toward the bed as they never stopped kissing and caressing each other. I gulped. What were they going to do? I knew it was nothing good.

Space Dwarf fell on the bed in a seated position. His lady mischieviously smirked and quickly straddled him. Her hands wasted no time undoing his belt buckle. Lady Dwarf definitely was very bold, and both were very irresponsible.

Their lips met again, and Space Dwarf started his assault to her neck and bosom. Why did they choose to do this right in front of me, of all places? Because of them and the dwarf's eagerness, soon I was looking at his lady's breast against my will. What was worse, she was even more impatient and had finally removed his belt.

As the lady gained access inside his slacks, Space Dwarf grinned. "I guess finally this bed is gonna see some action," he commented.

"Oh," she exclaimed, "don't you think it feels a little weird that it's not Amy doing it? You know, since she and Sheldon finally got physical…"

Space Dwarf froze. "Why did you need to bring up Sheldon?" he complained. "Now the mood is gone."

In response, she sucked on his neck and squeezed in his pants. "Really?"

He only smiled and grabbed her waist to guide her to lie down with him on the bed.

At this point I clung onto my bow so tight I might have broken it. Filthy creatures! Do not think I wouldn't have killed you, dwarves. It would have been my pleasure. I didn't do it only because we agreed not to draw attention to us.

A plague upon the stiff necks of dwarves! Space Dwarf rolled on his lady and decisively pulled up her skirt and tugged down her undergarment and his own.

"Ummmmm, I like you being so resolute," she hummed.

Trust me, Lady Dwarf, he wouldn't have been so bold if I could use my arrows.

He grinned and moved in between her legs, "Ready for launch!"

"Wait!" She unexpectedly stopped him. "Do you have protection?"

That was an odd request. They were half undressed at this point, why she would want to wear an armor now?

"Um- I am afraid I don't. We used the last one in my wallet at your parent's Christmas party." He paused. "We really should stop sneaking around in other people's houses."

Lady Dwarf shrugged. "Or not. C'mon, just be careful. And quiet."

Ai! Space Dwarf buried himself in her and moved unequivocally. Quiet, sure. They breathed so loud I could shoot them in the dark. As his pace quickened, he sounded more like a dying prey. She hung on his neck and pulled him closer to her before muffling a loud moan on his shoulder. It took so little then for him to do the deed and roll away.

Breathless, they laid staring at each other and grinning like two fools. He took her hand and lifted it to his mouth to place a gentle kiss. Those Dwarfs! Brave enough to intrude in here. Lucky enough to have found their soulmate.

"Howie," she muttered, "you pulled out in time, right?"

Space Dwarf squeezed her hand, "Don't worry about that. Worst case, we have just made a baby."

Turned out this was exactly what they did that night. We knew this some time later, informed by Brother Elf who found out what had happened on his bed and hence spent a whole day cleaning up and sanitizing his room and everything inside. This included me, Legolas, son of Thranduil and Prince of the Woodland Realm. I ended up treated with hot steam because of two senseless dwarves.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you all so much for reading, favoriting, following, and reviewing. A huge thank you also to our guest reviewers. Unfortunately, we're unable to respond to you directly, but we appreciate your comments.**

Stardate 2116.352

I have been studying The Logical One for years and have become accustomed to his unconventional habits, so his desire to abandon them was quite puzzling. This man, who previously rejected the prospect of leaving the sanctuary of his habitat and recoiled from all forms of physical contact, was in favor of co-habitating in a new environment with a female of his species.

After moving in with The Nurse Chapel Emulator, there was an adjustment period as he settled into a new routine. His meal schedule has become somewhat less rigid, and it appears he does not favor one side of the sofa over the other, but he still prefers to keep some semblance of homeostasis. Perhaps the most obvious is his strict bedtime schedule. Each night the lights are out at precisely 2200 hours, and they do not awaken until 0600 hours the following day.

Tonight's deviation from the schedule is illogical. After a mere two hours of lying in bed, during which time he did not reach the rapid eye movement stage, he raised himself into a seated position. The constant checking of his wrist watch appeared to invoke an inward struggle that I could not comprehend.

At precisely midnight, he awoke his mate in an exuberant state that I have rarely seen him express, which included blowing a shrill horn, an unfortunate disservice to my sensitive Vulcan hearing. Her sleepiness and confusion was quickly replaced with excitement as he presented her with a three-dimensional detailed anatomical image of his cerebrum. This was followed by an unsanitary exchange of saliva, much different from any other lip lock I have witnessed from the pair. There was a sense of urgency, with The Logical One even climbing on her, until an interruption from the neighbors halted their activities.

Following their much quicker than anticipated return, I sensed a discernible shift in the atmosphere. The Emulator informed her mate she had a surprise to get things back on track and emerged six minutes later wearing a black robe and holding a wand. At first I suspected she had joined forces with a band of alien lifeforms and considered calling for reinforcements, but I quickly discovered the attire and wand were merely movie props that would pose no danger.

The Logical One uttered, "Wowza!", an expression I am unfamiliar with. My visual assessment of his widened eyes and the quickening pulse of his jugular vein determined he was excited. The mood shifted again when he discovered she purchased the props in his absence. For someone who claims to be unaffected by his emotions, irritation comes easily to him. I would suggest he practice Kolinahr to suppress these feelings.

Upon agreeing to dismiss the argument, they resumed the action from earlier, only this time from a standing position. I do not often experience the emotion of surprise, but as his hands slid down to her gluteus maximus, pressing his reproductive organs to hers in the process, I felt my jaw slacken and my eyes widen.

Their actions were short-lived. A second interruption came in the form of knock at the door. The Emulator sighed, pulled her robe closed over the flimsy garment beneath, and ran to the door. Her brief conversation with the intruder was muffled, but I distinctly heard the door slam, effectively ending the visit. I watched her race back to her mate's outstretched arms, but the gesture was in vain. The neighbors interrupted again, and after quickly changing into her usual attire, they exited the apartment.

Several hours passed before their return. Both exhibited signs of a positive mood. The Logical One was dressed in his robe, and this time it was he who held the wand, waving it and chanting some peculiar incantations. The Emulator lowered her voice to a husky whisper and asked to see his other magic wand. He appeared just as bewildered as I felt. Why would one need multiple magic wands? Would not a single wand be powerful enough to perform any magical feat?

She whispered an explanation, causing his face to redden. It appears her use of the term was used metaphorically. What happened next was quite intriguing. He crushed his lips to hers, their arms tangling as they explored each other's shoulders and backs. When they paused to catch their breaths, The Emulator took a half step back.

I could almost feel his blood boil with mating lust as she reached for his pants zipper. When he stepped out of the garment, I caught a glimpse of some familiar faces. Seeing my likeness plastered across his briefs was quite disconcerting, but it would have been worth the discomfort to see the look on the Captain's face or hear Sulu's "Oh my!" had they been present.

The Emulator lowered her gaze and murmured her appreciation, though I did not fully understand when she told her mate she didn't even have to use The Levitation Charm on him. He responded by calling her a naughty vixen before pulling her to his chest.

Their lips collided as their hands wandered over each other's bodies. His fingers crept closer to her hips. He fumbled with the zipper of her skirt then wrapping his arms around her, they slid under her shirt to unhook her brassiere. The aroused couple broke apart just long enough for her to slip out of her clothing. I averted my gaze when she stood before him topless. It wasn't until I heard them kissing again that I resumed my observation.

With his hands covering her breasts, she threw back her head and moaned as he massaged them. He took a moment to shrug out of his robe and shirts before pressing his whole body against hers. Flesh against flesh they stood with only their undergarments as a barrier. Without breaking contact, The Logical One backed them to the bed where he toppled onto it backwards. From my vantage point on the bookshelf, I could not see her expression, but that was not necessary. She voiced her enthusiasm of being on top quite clearly.

One hand slid beneath her silky fabric to knead her gluteus maximus. She responded by grinding herself against him. Slowly he made his way to her apex. After a sharp inhalation, her breathing quickened. The Logical One's breathing escalated as well when The Emulator's fingers sought out his reproductive organs.

In a shaky voice, he moaned, "Oh, Amy, you naughty vixen!"

The phrase was repeated multiple times, each time louder than the last.

Pon Farr is a very private ritual. I wanted to look away, but I was mesmerized by the sight and sounds. Finally when he reversed their positions and they removed their remaining clothing, I squeezed my eyes shut, but I could still hear their moans of pleasure. The decibel level in the room increased with each thrust. I plugged my ears with my fingers, but that only muffled the sound. I really should invest in some earplugs should this situation occur again.

I waited until a few minutes passed after they reached their climax before I chanced a peek. Mostly covered by a blanket, they lay panting, he on his back, she resting her head on his bare chest. When Vulcans engage in Pon Farr, they part ways after the deed is done. The fact that The Logical one was content to cuddle with his mate leads me to believe he is more human than I thought.

Signing off,  
S'chn T'gai Spock


	5. Epilogue

Aquaman pounded the end of his trident on the coffee table of apartment 4B where a small group was gathered. "I call this meeting to order!"

Spock frowned. "I only take orders from The Captain. Since he is not present, as first officer, by default I become the commander."

"First officer," Aquaman snickered. "You hold no power over me. I'm the King of the Seven Seas; therefore, I shall take the lead."

Legolas sighed. "You may be a king, Aquaman, but I am a prince. What makes you think I would take orders from you or anyone else?"

A dull sound came from the direction of Monkey.

"Great Neptune!" Aquaman scolded her. "You should be more careful with your cymbals, Monkey. You scattered all the magazines on the table. Fix those before the Arrogant Genius notices something's wrong."

Monkey nervously rearranged some of them. "I am sorry. I always get too excited," she apologized. "You should be nicer with Sweet Baboo, by the way. He's not arrogant as you guys always say."

Legolas cracked a smile. Monkey was always so clumsy, but her heart was pure. She was also right about his Brother Elf, even if she persisted in calling him by such a ridiculous name. "Don't worry, Monkey. Should we start now?"

"Fine," Aquaman huffed, "but someone needs to take the lead of this conversation so we don't go off track."

Spock nodded his assent. "Since I am privy to what transpired, I will speak first. As you are all aware, I witnessed The Logical One packing a large box of prophylactics in his suitcase this morning. On previous observations, I have only seen him produce small boxes from his nightstand. My theory is now that they are married..."

"Yay!"

Three pairs of annoyed eyes turned to Monkey, and her cymbals fell once again. "Sorry, it's just… they're married now!" She exclaimed animatedly.

"That is correct," Spock observed, "however, I do not understand your excitement about it."

In her heat, Monkey almost fell from the coffee table. "They are _married_ , Spocky! It's so beautiful! Did you imagine they would finally make it to the altar? Ah, they are so in-"

"We know it," Legolas interrupted her. "It's very sweet you are so happy for them, but now you really should let Spocky finish what he was saying."

"The name is Spock, no Y. We are all aware that Monkey refers to me as Spocky as a term of endearment, but Legolas, that is not your style. You have always shown me the utmost respect. I am quite disappointed in you."

Aquaman slapped the Vulcan good naturedly on the shoulder. "Oh, c'mon, Spocky. He's just having a little fun with you."

"As I was saying," Spock continued, choosing to ignore his companions' comments, "now that they are married…"

This time, Monkey welcomed the mentions of her master's marriage with a badly muffled squeal. Spock chose to let it go.

"...I suspect my Vulcan ears will be subject to more frequent auditory distractions."

"They are quite loud," Aquaman agreed. "The closed door barely muffles their moans. I can't imagine how you and Legolas can bear to be in the same room as them without a sound barrier. When I was situated across the hall and was witness to The Homunculus and The Blonde's sexual activities, they were quite vocal as well, but I believe The Arrogant Genius and The Brunette have them beat."

"The pupils beat the masters," Monkey commented with a grin.

"It's a close contest," Legolas mused. "Each time The Fair Maiden visited The Hobbit in his quarters, Brother Elf would don a special armor for his ears. There were nights I wished he had an extra one for me."

"I believe you are referring to an apparatus commonly known as noise cancelling headphones," Spock informed him. "I have yet to locate a pair small enough to fit my body. If I should ever come across something, I will give you one as well, my elvish friend."

"I will take one too," Aquaman said, "and while you're at it, you can find some for The Blonde and The Homunculus. They may need them, even through two doors and a hallway. We all remember The Brunette's enthusiasm the night before she left for Princeton."

"My goodness, that form of stimulation is highly efficient!" The others shouted.

"Whoopee!" Monkey squealed.

Spock twisted his head to the door.

"What's wrong, Spocky?" She asked.

"I needed to be sure the neighbors could not hear us. We must be more careful."

"Maybe the neighbors will just think Dr. Princess and Sweet Baboo are back," Monkey suggested. "Like we said, they are loud."

"Indeed, they are the loudest," Legolas confirmed. "I lamentably had to close witness an encounter of Space Dwarf and his lady, and there is no comparison. Even if they breathed so loud the most atrocious hunter could have shot them in the deepest darkness."

Legolas's words confused Spock. "Who are these individuals you speak of?"

"I think he meant Sweet Baboo's friend that went to space, and his wife," Monkey explained.

"You know, the little one with the funny hair that used to do all those questionable jokes," Aquaman added. "His wife is the short blonde who has often visited here as well."

"The Hobbit's companion is also blonde, Aquaman. You should be more specific," Legolas advised.

"Maybe we should call them by their actual names," Monkey suggested.

"This sounds very reasonable," Legolas agreed. "I remember Spock suggested it the first time we all convened in this new land."

Aquaman grinned. "And then our friend Monkey insisted on calling her master Dr. Princess!"

Spock furrowed his brow. "However we decide to address them, it appears the conversation has veered off track from this apartment's inhabitants to a comparison involving the noise levels of the three mating couples. Fascinating. We must gather all the evidence to settle this logically."

"Everything is all about logistics with you," Aquaman muttered. "Can't we agree The Arrogant… I mean Sheldon and Amy are the loudest?"

"That is merely an assumption. We must prove our theory with hard evidence."

"I heard them from across the hall!" Aquaman insisted, "Why are we even still discussing this?"

"The first time I heard them, Dr. Princes- em, Amy screamed so hard the Three Wise Monkeys thought she was being killed or something. Heck, even I kinda suspected it."

"I would say we have enough information to affirm they are loud then," Legolas agreed. "We can move on now?"

Spock sighed. "The data remains inconclusive. Legolas, you said Howard and his wife produced less auditory disturbance than the others. Nevertheless, we cannot use that episode to support our theory, as they were hiding in Sheldon's room. A fair experiment would observe them in the intimacy of their own bedroom."

Legolas grunted. "I am very positive about not wanting to observe them while mating anytime soon, Spocky."

Aquaman drew near Spock and smirked. "Are you sure you don't want to see more action because you need to get _Pon Farred_ yourself, Spocky?"

Monkey noticed Legolas's confused look and explained, "I am not sure about the whole thing, but I think he meant something about needing to mate."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "I assure you all I merely have scientific curiosity. And for the record, I am well away from my next Pon Farr," he clarified.

"So, considering what Spocky said about the circumstances that led Howard and his wifey to be more silent, I suppose we should think of other things that could affect their volume," Monkey suggested. "For instance, could it be related to duration? Both times I witnessed Swe- Sheldon and Amy, they were loud, _and_ it took them a long time."

Legolas nodded. "It's not a bad idea. It fits the fact the dwarves were so quick and quiet."

"Oh, for Neptune's sake, this is so stupid!" Aquaman exclaimed. "This has nothing to do with duration. It's all about how frenzied the encounter is. How eager they are for the other."

"But the tiny blonde jumped eagerly on her man, and still they were relatively quiet," Legolas replied. "While according to Monkey's recap, Sheldon and Amy took things really slowly the first time, and still she cried out loud."

"I was thinking… Over the years, I have caught Leonard and Penny on camera in various costumes. Could be this another thing to consider?" Aquaman asked. "Spock, you told us Sheldon and Amy dressed as wizards shortly after we all moved here."

"That is correct. I took explicit notes that night. They even had faux magic wands that they used to pretend they were casting spells over one another."

"That's called role-playing!" Monkey explained.

Legolas again found himself disoriented by his friends' vocabulary, "I thought those were ceremonial robes…?"

"Oh, that's Halloween," Monkey said. "When they dress up and have a party, it's called Halloween. Instead when the costumes end up on the floor and they mate, it's called role-playing."

"Before Sheldon and Amy engaged in Pon Farr, I witnessed her wearing an exact replicate uniform of Nurse Chapel, hence the moniker 'The Nurse Chapel Emulator'," Spock informed them.

"Their relationship gained momentum slowly. Maybe it was a form of foreplay that resulted years later," Legolas mused.

"Ah, yes. I caught the whole encounter on camera," Aquaman supplied. "I must admit, it was quite interesting to watch. He lay on the couch feigning entrapment, but I could tell he was enjoying himself."

Monkey bounced so wildly that she nearly knocked the magazines off the table again. "I wanna see it! I wanna see Dr. Princess… Amy dressed as a nurse. I bet she was so cute!"

"Sorry, Monkey. Sheldon removed that tape from me long ago."

"We need to find it!" Monkey squealed.

Spock ran his hand over his face. "We seem to have gone off topic again. To recap, we know Leonard and Penny roleplay, as do Sheldon and Amy. The question is do Howard and…"

"What's wrong, Spock?" Legolas inquired.

Spock put a finger to his lips and cocked his ear toward the door. The others frowned and followed suit.

"What exactly are we listening for?" Aquaman asked.

"My Vulcan hearing is picking up footsteps on the second floor landing."

"It's probably just Mrs. Petrescu," Legolas guessed.

"That is a negative. The person in question is continuing their ascent to the third floor. The heavy weight of the steps leads me to believe it is a male, or perhaps a female with large feet. For the sake of conversational clarity, I will refer to our mystery person as _he._ "

Monkey's eyes widened. "I hear it too. He's getting close."

"You don't suppose Sheldon and Amy are returning so soon?" Legolas inquired.

"It's probably just the neighbors." Aquaman reassured them. "Sheldon's preparedness is so on point that they would not be coming home already."

Spock jumped down to the floor. "We can't be too careful. Everyone, to your places."

The scuffling of tiny plastic and furry feet echoed through the small apartment. Monkey easily got into position in the bottom shelf of the bookcase, her animated face freezing into the expression she wore when the humans were around. Aquaman pulled himself onto the top shelf, took a moment to steady his breath from the climb, then froze into position.

In the bedroom, Spock reluctantly allowed Legolas to stand in his shoulders. When he reached the first shelf, he lowered his hand for Spock to grab. They continued this way until they too were in place.

Without a moment to spare, they all heard a key in the lock. The door swung open to reveal an elderly gentleman wearing a cardigan and a kind smile.

"He's Dr. Princess's daddy!" Monkey thought recognizing him. The resemblance was blatant. She was sure Aquaman got who he was as well.

Larry Fowler closed the door behind him, a look of relief on his face.

"Finally alone!" He exclaimed.

 **A/N: Thank you all for reading. We hope you enjoyed this silly little story as much as we did writing it. We would love to hear your thoughts!**  
 **Cheers from your Schrödinger's Fangirls, platypus_quacks_too, bigbangenthusiast, and stellina2a**


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